Don’t get me wrong: The Desperate Housewives
vet (who also executive-produces her new series) still possesses the
ability to score huge laughs. Unfortunately, those rare moments in Telenovela mostly
happen when Longoria has no dialogue, and is instead silently staring
down her ex-fiancé or hilariously suppressing her gag reflex as a couple
of old-friends-turned-sex-partners share the details of their recent
tryst. (The latter, a running gag in Episode 2, serves as a cruel
reminder of Longoria’s strength at broad comedy — especially since those
muscles rarely get a workout from Telenovela‘s achingly banal scripts.)
The setup is a familiar, albeit not unappealing one: Longoria’s Ana Sofia, the titular star of the long-running Las Leyes de Pasion, is thrown a curveball when the network’s new boss (Chuck‘s
Zachary Levi, utilized about as well as a filet mignon at a convention
of vegans) casts her ex-husband as her male lead — without so much as a
word of warning. Despite support from her costume-designer BFF Mimi
(Diana Maria Riva) and insecure gay castmate Gael (Jose Moreno Brooks),
Ana Sofia starts spiraling, flashing back to a breakup that left her in a
bathtub filled with tissues, listening to “All By Myself,”
then eventually throwing a trashcan-overturning tantrum in front of a
wall of autograph-seeking fans.
Trouble
is, there’s not a single surprising twist on any of the threadbare
inside-showbiz tropes, and even worse, every single zinger feels like
it’s from a hastily assembled first draft. “I thought marriage was
between a man and a woman,” Ana Sophia says of her failed union, “not
between a man, a woman and Shakira.” Longoria and her castmates gamely
try to breathe some life into the material, but you can’t inflate a
balloon that’s peppered with holes.
Episode 2 of Telenovela
introduces the evil twin of Ana Sophia’s co-star Isabella — a woman who
returns after years of self-imposed exile with revenge fantasies on the
brain. In my mind, I’m hoping that somewhere out in the world, Telenovela
has a heretofore unseen twin, too, and that perhaps it’ll emerge from
the shadows this time next year, giving Longoria a showcase worthy of
her talents.
The TVLine Bottom Line: Telenovela is a holiday-season preview that’s better left unwrapped.
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